The Missing Checkbook

I was getting frantic.  I hadn't seen the checkbook for over a week and was beginning to think that it was lost and not just misplaced.  I spent the last two days tearing up the house searching.  As a result, my laundry room has never looked better.  Good news!  The checkbook was not under the washing machine.

It wasn't in the spare bedroom closet either.  Or in the freezer.  Not in the dresser drawer or under the bathroom sink.  Nix on the bookshelves (although I emptied them twice just to be sure.)  Not in the boxes of Christmas ornaments.  Jerry helped me search for several hours the other night.  I figure I have about twenty-five man hours invested in this project all together.  Still no checkbook.

The last time I could remember seeing it we were in Charleston.  I began wondering, would we drive back to Charleston just to get our checkbook?  How far would you backtrack to pick up a lost item?

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When we were traveling back from Orlando a couple of weeks ago, we hit a storm system that was spawning tornadoes.  We'd planned to drive straight through, but considered the weather and stopped just at the edge of Savannah.  There was a cluster of chain motels there and we just picked one and slept there.  Nothing special, just an emergency place to stay.

In the morning we got up early and left.  We had breakfast in Savannah and it was during this meal that Jerry asked, "Did you grab the pillows?" I hadn't and so then we had a little dilemma.  Do we go back and get them or not? 

I really like my pillow.  It's goose down and broken in.  I feel about it like a four-year-old feels about her blankie.  I am attached to it, but I don't necessarily want people to know.  I hated to leave it behind, but Jerry's determination to get from "Point A" to "Point B" as rapidly as possible is legendary.  I harbored little hope that he would drive ten minutes in the wrong direction to retrieve it. 

Calling the motel was a good idea, but neither of us could remember what the name of it was and we hadn't gotten a receipt. I reasoned that it was still early and maybe the maids hadn't even cleaned our room yet but Jer didn't want to bother driving that far if they'd already thrown our pillows away. 

Jerry was calling random motel chains, asking them "Are you the motel by the Cracker Barrel?" when I realized I had stuffed my pillow into my suitcase.  The urgency of the trip back magically dissolved for me now that I knew my own pillow wasn't at risk.  Funny how that works, right?  I hadn't mentioned my news yet to Jer, but he sensed that something was different in my attitude. "Whatever you want to do, honey."  I said sweetly.

When I finally told him only his pillow was left in the room, he surprised me by deciding to go back anyway.  Apparently he likes his pillow as much as I like mine.  It was worth the extra twenty minutes' drive just to know that we would have our own pillows to sleep on when we got home.

A week or so later I was trying to make my friend who works at a B&B laugh by telling her the pillow story.  She did smile but then she told me an even funnier  one.  A snarky couple stayed with them for a couple of nights and when they left, the maid found a pair of men's underwear and a pair of socks in the bureau drawer.  "What should I do with these?" she asked.  It had been about forty-five minutes since these guests had departed so my friend said, "Throw them in the dumpster."

Wouldn't you know about fifteen minutes later the man called and said he was coming back for them?  The women were both flabbergasted!  How much can a pair of underwear and socks cost?  The gas they were going to spend to drive back to the inn probably would have covered the price tags of replacements and then some. 

The women quickly did a dumpster dive and recovered the articles, slightly worse for the wear.  Breakfast scraps had been thrown in on top of the underwear, so they now had Hollandaise sauce decorating the front panel.  The innkeeper scrubbed them the best she could, stuck them in a plastic bag and just handed the whole mess to the man when he arrived.  "Don't even ask," she told him.  

He'd added a hundred and twenty minutes to his drive in order to retrieve his pair socks and a wet pair of underpants.  It's a crazy world.

                                                   *  *  *

Sam "driving" the van.

So, would we drive four hours one-way to retrieve our checkbook?   We won't need to find out this time because I found it outside in the recycling bin.  Like I said, it's a crazy world.

Toothpaste

We found ourselves at a motel without toothpaste, so I called the front desk and they gave me a couple of foil pouches of Colgate.


The back of the pouch was gray and the small text was written in gray as well, making it virtually invisible but there was a dearth of reading material and it is well known that I am a glutton for punishment. That is how I stumbled across these horrifying words: "If more than used for brushing is accidentally swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away."


I had trouble digesting that statement. My first thought was my doctor's reaction when I called and said I'd accidentally swallowed some toothpaste. Now most of you are aware that our son's a doctor and this is exactly the type of question I call and ask him. Anyone who knows him can pretty accurately imagine his response. Heck, most of you who don't know him can probably do that. It doesn't even take a vivid imagination to be dead-on accurate on this one. Fact is, even I am unwilling to dial his home phone to ask this question and I have strict orders on when I am allowed to call his cell. This query does not fall within those parameters.


That leaves me with calling Poison Control. Calling Poison Control because I've swallowed toothpaste seems a little extreme. When my youngest was little, I had a personal relationship with the helpful people at poison control and I know them to be tolerant and kind. I can't help but think that even they might have trouble stifling a laugh at this one though. I am, however, a world class worrier, and I am able to leap that chasm like a ballerina and twirl right into:


Who determines what a normal amount of toothpaste per brushing is? What if I've been using it like frosting on my toothbrush? Is that too much? What exactly is the amount that would cause me to fall into the "more than used for brushing" arena? Maybe I should call Poison Control and just ask for guidance on this issue - or maybe there's a tutorial on youtube? Is there a place you can buy individual toothpaste servings - kind of like a weight watchers for teeth?


I began thinking about the implications of poisoning myself with toothpaste. I am disinclined to want to put something into my mouth that can't be swallowed. It just seems downright wrong. I mean I saw that made-for-tv movie in the '70s starring Sally Struthers where she was in a plane crash in Alaska and survived by eating toothpaste and melting snow. What kind of toothpaste was that? That's the brand I want....the one that I could eat in a pinch, survive, and - as an added plus - have minty fresh breath to boot.


There's truly something disturbing about the idea that toothpaste shouldn't be swallowed. Truly. Disturbing.