At the Gym

Speaking of New Year’s Resolutions, I joined a NO COMMITMENT gym.  That’s what they call it when you don’t have to pay a fee to leave.  NO COMMITMENT!!  I liked the sound of that.  Plus, they serve pizza on Monday nights AND there is a big bucket of tootsie rolls by the cash register.  I am very, very fond of tootsie rolls.

Tootsie Rolls after a workout -- a perfect idea!

It only costs $10 a month and I am happy to pay the $10 to NOT be committed to going to the gym regularly.  Occasionally, I will drop by and, when I go there, the first thing I do is seek out Vivienne, the on-staff personal trainer.  (I think the name Vivienne is SUPER COOL.  Vivienne…. Vivienne…. It sounds so exotic.  It reminds me of Chocolat, my favorite food group.)

If I can find Vivienne, she will give me a tour of the gym.  She will tell me WHICH MACHINES to AVOID so I don’t hurt myself.  That’s kind of a personal goal for me.  Once I picked up a free weight and I was sore for a WEEK! 

Avoiding injury is key for an old person who’s exercising.  We don’t mind making limited APPEARANCES at the gym, but we really don’t want to hurt ourselves. 

 

So one day as Vivienne was wrapping up another equipment tour with me she asked me out of the clear blue sky if I were a white member or a black member?  I’m thinking, has she had a mini-stroke or something?  Clearly I’m WHITE.  Anyone can SEE that!  And so I said, “Vivienne….I’m WHITE.” 

…but she continues.  "For only ten dollars MORE a month, you can get UNLIMITED TANNING and be BLACK..."

I tell her I’ve been white all my life and there’s no sense changing at this late date. 

…but she goes on.

“AND,” she says, “You get access to the hydro-bed and massage machines!” 

Now you’re talking my language, baby!!!  I signed up on the spot and, to sweeten the deal, she gave me a black TEE SHIRT!!!

So now, I’m officially a BLACK member and there’s a special area of the gym where only black members can go and I go there.  I like it so much, I decide to make a special trip sometime JUST TO GO THERE.

All over this gym there are signs painted on the wall.  They say “NO JUDGMENT ZONE.”  So I naively think that means there’s no judgment.  One day, just as I planned, I make a special trip to my no commitment gym not to work out, but to lie on the hydro-bed and sit in the massage chair.  Wooo Wooo Woooo!!!

Wouldn’t you know ON THIS DAY, I run SMACK into a neighbor who’s clearly just finishing up her workout!!  (I know this because I can see beads of perspiration on her forehead.)  She’s going into the special “black members only area” too. 

Well, I’m a talker – shocker, right?  And we get to chitty chatting about people we know and la la la la la.  Too soon our time on these miracle machines is up.  As we are leaving, she looks at me and says, “Chris.  I can’t for the life of me figure out how you can work out and not have ANY SWEAT on you anywhere!!”

What could I say?  

“Good genes.”

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