This I know

I never quite "got" E=MC² (or how to make a flat chocolate chip cookie) but here are a few things I did discover:

If I hold a baby over my head, I will get spit-up in my face.

No matter how cute the clothes are that I buy for my daughters, they won't like them.

If I am in a hurry to leave the house, I won't be able to find my car keys, my shoes, or my car keys and my shoes.

No one can accurately predict the weather.

If I wash the windows, it will rain - even if there's been a drought for months. (See above.)

If the new house has a swimming pool, you will feed all the kids in the neighborhood lunch every single day for the whole summer.

No one drops by to visit when the house is clean.

It is possible to have acne and wrinkles at the same time.

Although it takes months for me to lose five pounds, I can gain it back virtually overnight.

I always feel better the minute I step into my doctor's office.

Once we get in the car, my husband won't want to stop FOR ANY REASON until we get to our destination.Even if we only get invited out one evening a season, we will receive three invitations for that very night.

Kids think of handwriting as an irritating font that's difficult to read.

As soon as I put the last item into my grocery cart, everyone in the entire store will swarm to the check-out lanes.

If I have computer problems, any elementary school child can fix them.If I get a manicure this morning, I will end up gardening this afternoon.

Cashiers at gas stations don't like you to pay with change.This is by no means the sum total of my knowledge, but I didn't acquire any of it at school. I'm not saying that learning to use a slide rule wasn't important, I'm merely stating that it would have been nice to learn to balance the checkbook somewhere in that educational process.

If a cute guy smiles at me, I probably have broccoli stuck in my teeth.